Fears - Part 3

I watched Nnenna’s curious face and I burst out laughing. She had a smirk on her face that probed me as if to say a guy had fallen in love with me and I had become very calm as a result.

For one moment, I thought of my life lately. I had rising storms but I had found God's peace.

Last Thursday, my younger brother, Chelu’s voice rang at the other end of the phone. He was panting as he spoke, and he was calling me with Mama's phone and I wondered where Mama was that she allowed Chelu to make calls with her phone. It was Mama who always tied her phone to her wrapper because of Chelu. 

I initially hadn't noticed him sniffing and crying and I sat up as he kept calling my name.

I had been at the dining table eating apples and watching a new series on Youtube but my thoughts suddenly started racing with Chelu’s calls.

“Chelu, what happened? Is Mama okay?

What's the problem?”

 The words spurted out of my mouth before I could even think of anything.

I didn't want to think of anything so I kept my mind blank but my thoughts raced so fast.

“It's Mama’s Blood Pressure again. She fainted in the hallway and we're at Mayfair Hospital close to the junction to our house,” he said.

“I'll be there later today, Chelu. Please take care of her.”

But he hung up before I finished talking. My head started swirling and I laid my head on the table.

I couldn't watch the movie again. It was Temi’s highly recommended movie and this particular recommendation was looking like a hit but I suddenly lost interest. Mama was sick at the hospital. She worried too much. Everyday she called, she asked if there was any serious young man who wanted to marry me. Everyday I smiled at her question and told her to trust God.

 I wanted her to experience  God's peace. To not worry about anything because the things she worried about were safe in God's hands.

The previous week, Temi ran into the room clapping and dancing. I had been tired; work had been hectic and I jumped into bed immediately after I got back. I knew she wanted to share a gist so I sat up.

What is it, Temi? I asked, careful not to appear enthusiastic.

Temi was very hyperactive on most days so showing her that I wanted to hear a story made her prolong a gist because she wanted me to feel suspense.

“There's a new movie and I'm certain you won't want to miss it for the world,” She said with a wide grin.

I nodded, going back to lie down. I wondered how Temi had made me sit up just to hear that there was a recent movie. 

And now, Mama’s sickness wouldn't let me watch the movie. I was tired but I knew God had great plans.

When Chelu had called, Temi wasn't back from work. When I dropped the call, I suddenly wished Temi was there. I imagined her crumpled face standing at the junction and waiting for a cab; she always wanted to get home early and it made me smile. I hadn't realized that her presence felt like a sturdy pillar to lean on on days Mama asked if there was no man interested in marrying me, or on days Mr Kayode, my supervisor, micromanaged me at work.

I left for my parent's house that afternoon before Temi got home. Our family house was a two-bedroom Flat in Igando. Papa had bought land and built a house for us to manage before he died of prostate cancer. Mama lost her mind but she started feeling better after a year. 

I met Chelu at our gate and he said Mama was inside sleeping. The Doctor had discharged Mama to go home and rest and stop worrying too.

Chelu told me earlier in the afternoon when I called that it was the fair Doctor at Mayfair Hospital that attended to Mama. Mayfair Hospital was the closest hospital to our house and it has become our family's go-to hospital. Mama knew all the doctors there because she went there for her checkup every month.

I still remember the tall fair Doctor and how he kept staring at me the last time I went to the hospital with Mama for her medical checkup. I had refused to notice his stare even though Mama nudged me to smile. I saw the irritation in her eyes but I refused to look at it. She waited till we got home and she blurted.

“A woman is not supposed to frown her face, Kosisochukwu!” She calls me my full name when very serious. Meaning as it pleases God. (Igbo Nigeria)

But I didn't have the strength to respond to her, I let her talk till she was exhausted and no longer said anything and I stood up and went to my room. I wondered if I should have gone to talk to the Doctor when he stared lustfully at me, maybe that would make Mama happy.

Since Papa’s death, Chelu had moved into the same room with Mama and they had become best friends. 

Chelu said Mama prayed everyday for a man to find me so that I could become married. All my calls with her end with prayers and worries about how old she is getting, how she wants to see my children and how time is not on my side.

Sometimes, I wonder if it wasn't her excessive worry that made her blood pressure constantly go up.

That evening, I left before Mama could wake up but I told Chelu I would come by weekend. I made white soup and boiled yam for them before  I left. 

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Chelu stand at the gate watching me as I walked away. I had mixed feelings but I needed to go to work the next day and our house in Igando was very far from my workplace.

These were some of my major fears, the desire to share the good news with Mama, the fear of losing her before the joy comes, the biological clock, the fear of having to make other people’s children mine for not having one, the fear of life after marriage, the fear of never finding the right one, the flash of miseries experienced by the unhappily married, the pressure and disrespect received from the society, some outright ridicule for not being married,  and even the fear of being left with no good option. My fears were enormous in my heart and they ate me up everyday, all hidden behind my smiles.

The Fears began to affect my confidence, my ability to speak up for myself and to pursue my ambitious dreams. I was drowning in my fears, yet smiling.

Today, as Nnenna grinned and waited for a gist. I wanted to tell her I was unusually calm because my roommate, Temi, had invited me to a hangout that had started the process that changed my life.

I wanted to tell her that I had given all my worries to God.

I wanted to tell her that I was focused on building my dreams rather than worrying.

I wanted to tell her that my mother was constantly worried that I wasn't married yet; that her constant worry increased her blood pressure sometimes and left my heart racing but I still had God's peace.

But I didn't say anything. Instead, I smiled.

“I found God's peace, Nnenna and now I trust all his beautiful plans,” I said again.

From: The Journey of a Waiting Girl Series

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